I have never been more thankful for a new year and a new start.
I remember a friend telling me in 2018 that this was the best she thought I had ever looked, that I looked happy and healthy.
I remember hearing that and thinking what a great actress I was. I started 2018 in a very dark place. I wasn’t being honest with myself, my depression was running my life, and I was doing anything I could to sedate and distract myself from how much pain I was in.
I went through the first half of 2018 just letting life happen to me. I let the days roll by. I didn’t have goals or intentions. I was just existing. And I was so unhappy.
Scrolling through social media I began to resent these women I saw who looked happy and successful and beautiful and thin. My life looked Iike a disgusting nightmare and I didn’t have the strength to change it.
I had positive support from women around me, but I mentally wasn’t ready to go through the hard shit, to do the work, to stop sedating.
I hate vague posts so lets be real.
I gained 40lbs in 2018. And not 40lbs of muscle. I gained this weight by letting life happen to me. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat healthy. Some days I was so busy I actually didnt have time to eat.
I drank. A lot. Almost every day. Sometimes just a glass, but still almost every day. And ironically I would drink champagne, the drink people order to celebrate something. I had nothing to celebrate and was just drinking to sedate but something about the bubbles and the “boujee-ness“ of it made me feel less like I had an alcohol dependency.
I felt so alone in 2018. I couldn’t connect with my husband, because I was so disconnected with myself. I didn’t know who to reach out too. How do you explain all this to a friend over a casual brunch? Way too heavy of a topic.
It is hard and embarrassing to admit when you feel that low, that hopeless. It’s hard to reach out to someone.
Im starting 2019 very different than 2018. I’m putting all of that negativity, hopelessness, and pain outside of my mind and starting fresh.
I woke up this morning without a hangover. I had breakfast with my family. I got a workout in for the first time in probably months. I set goals for this year.
Writing this blog post was not one of them, but something calmed me to share. We all get a fresh start this year. I am so sick of hurting. If you relate to that, know that you’re not alone. I know how it feels to sit silently, but screaming on the inside because no one understands what you’re going through. I get you girl.
Im starting over this year. Im controlling how this year goes by my intentions and goals. I’m not letting life just happen to me. I’m going to live the way I want.
Please, allow yourself to do the same.
I know how the smallest task can seem overwhelming and impossible. All I’m asking is that you write down a goal for yourself for this year. Something measurable. Something you can check off and say “yeah, I did that.”
It‘s one step towards being in control of your life.
- with love and humility