I have never been more thankful for a new year and a new start.
I remember a friend telling me in 2018 that this was the best she thought I had ever looked, that I looked happy and healthy.
I remember hearing that and thinking what a great actress I was. I started 2018 in a very dark place. I wasn’t being honest with myself, my depression was running my life, and I was doing anything I could to sedate and distract myself from how much pain I was in.
I went through the first half of 2018 just letting life happen to me. I let the days roll by. I didn’t have goals or intentions. I was just existing. And I was so unhappy.
Scrolling through social media I began to resent these women I saw who looked happy and successful and beautiful and thin. My life looked Iike a disgusting nightmare and I didn’t have the strength to change it.
I had positive support from women around me, but I mentally wasn’t ready to go through the hard shit, to do the work, to stop sedating.
I hate vague posts so lets be real.
I gained 40lbs in 2018. And not 40lbs of muscle. I gained this weight by letting life happen to me. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat healthy. Some days I was so busy I actually didnt have time to eat.
I drank. A lot. Almost every day. Sometimes just a glass, but still almost every day. And ironically I would drink champagne, the drink people order to celebrate something. I had nothing to celebrate and was just drinking to sedate but something about the bubbles and the “boujee-ness“ of it made me feel less like I had an alcohol dependency.